After they’re gone

Many people who have cared for a loved one with dementia describe relief alongside grief when the death finally comes. Relief that they aren’t suffering anymore. Relief that the long, slow watching is over. Relief is not the absence of love. It is what love feels like at the end of an exhausting road.

In the Grief Hub there’s a topic on anticipatory grief — the grieving you do while someone is still alive. With dementia, that grief has often been going on for years. By the time the death comes, you may already have grieved many small losses: their conversation, their independence, their recognition of you.

This means your grief after the death may look different from what people expect. You may not cry as much. You may feel quieter than others around you. None of this means you loved them less.

After a long dementia journey, it can be hard to remember who they were before the illness took so much. Old photos, old voicemails, friends who knew them in earlier years — all of these can help you find them again.

Dementia Australia has a bereavement service for people whose loved one had dementia. They understand exactly this shape of grief.