Grief while they’re still here
Anticipatory grief.
Sometimes the grief begins long before the death. When a loved one is dying — slowly, or suddenly, or by inches — you may find yourself grieving them while they are still in the room. This is real grief, and it can ask a lot.
Many small losses on the way
In a long illness, especially dementia, you don’t always lose the person all at once. Conversations may go first. Then independence. Then memories. Then the laugh, or the look in their eyes that meant they knew you. Each of these can be its own grief.
You are allowed to grieve before they’re gone
Some people feel guilty grieving someone who is still here. There is nothing to feel guilty about. Anticipatory grief is one of the most documented experiences of caring for a dying person. It does not mean you love them less, or that you’ve given up. It means you love them.
Carer burnout is part of this too
You may be exhausted, foggy, irritable, weepy, numb. You may snap at people. You may forget to eat. None of this means you are failing. It can mean you’re carrying too much.
- Take respite when it’s offered, even just for an hour
- Ask for help with the practical things — shopping, bills, kids
- See your GP about a Mental Health Care Plan
- Carer Gateway (1800 422 737) offers free counselling for carers
Time still well spent
You may not have full conversations anymore. You can still hold their hand. You can still play their favourite music. You can still tell them you love them, even if they can’t answer. Many people believe they still hear.
When the death comes
Many people who have grieved for a long time before a death describe a strange relief mixed with the loss when it finally comes. The relief isn’t because you didn’t love them. It can be because the suffering stopped — theirs, and yours.
See all 64 guides in Grief & healing →
From bluetulipco.com/library/grief/anticipatory — printed 1 October 2026.
General information only — not a substitute for legal, medical, financial, or therapeutic advice. Read the full disclaimer.
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